Welcome to Interwocky, where we, your friends at the Ministry of Superlatives, lead you, dear reader (citation needed), gonzo-style, through the minutiae of
our beloved Internet. It’s not unlike a game of PCP-influenced cat-and-mouse across the point-and-click-and-duck glory holes of the Web. Some holes are
all herped-up. Some are filled with nougat. But mostly, they're like carbs - too tempting to resist, but really bad for you. For instance, we were once
intellectual, ethical citizens of the world. Now we have the attention span of a cockroach gorged on chocolate fondue and sangria.
And while we love it so unquestioningly, we also have to come to grips with the fact that we have polluted our fair Internet as we have our planet. Yes, the
Web is running out of space. They're talking about adding new domains now, to help shoulder the expansion. The first new domain would replace www with
eww.
And so, if we're going to start anywhere, let's make it something grandiose and unattainable. Thusly, for my very first Interwocky review, I submit to you,
dear reader (citation needed), the Internet.
It is true that the Internet, and, really, the entire human experience up to this point can be summed up in a few simple words. Myspace, Youtube, and
Craigslist. Most of these sites can easily be broken down into groups, or families , like cheese...
our beloved Internet. It’s not unlike a game of PCP-influenced cat-and-mouse across the point-and-click-and-duck glory holes of the Web. Some holes are
all herped-up. Some are filled with nougat. But mostly, they're like carbs - too tempting to resist, but really bad for you. For instance, we were once
intellectual, ethical citizens of the world. Now we have the attention span of a cockroach gorged on chocolate fondue and sangria.
And while we love it so unquestioningly, we also have to come to grips with the fact that we have polluted our fair Internet as we have our planet. Yes, the
Web is running out of space. They're talking about adding new domains now, to help shoulder the expansion. The first new domain would replace www with
eww.
And so, if we're going to start anywhere, let's make it something grandiose and unattainable. Thusly, for my very first Interwocky review, I submit to you,
dear reader (citation needed), the Internet.
It is true that the Internet, and, really, the entire human experience up to this point can be summed up in a few simple words. Myspace, Youtube, and
Craigslist. Most of these sites can easily be broken down into groups, or families , like cheese...
Youtube is the fresh cheese of the Internet. It’s a big
gelatinous bowl of highly emotive, radioactive mascarpone. Itâ
€™s reactive to most sweet combinations, from tiramisu to
Chocolate Rain.
It’s a straight-up curdle, with little to no frill. Bad lighting.
Bad hair and makeup. Bad concepts brought to Shelleyan life.
But its memes are in the curdle – all those wet dreams of self-
exposure make for a lot of moisture.
gelatinous bowl of highly emotive, radioactive mascarpone. Itâ
€™s reactive to most sweet combinations, from tiramisu to
Chocolate Rain.
It’s a straight-up curdle, with little to no frill. Bad lighting.
Bad hair and makeup. Bad concepts brought to Shelleyan life.
But its memes are in the curdle – all those wet dreams of self-
exposure make for a lot of moisture.
| Where Chris Crocker and lonelygirl15 can cry and hold hands and click their ruby HTML codes together and sing “I wish I was on TMZ!� forevermore |
| We move away to try and figure it all out - under a burlap sack, with a little rennet, and some bourbon. |
| Numa numa, bitches! |
| Oh please God please extract this song from my brain PLEASE I am begging you sweet Lord go on and lobotomize me with a fucking crucifix just MAKE IT STOP |
It’s the once-statuesque, MILF-up, pre-sagged juggernaut,
bitch -
(straight out of La Strada, but more lovingly betitted, with lips
and body fat refitted, and that subtle, glossed-over stare that says
………… nothing at all)
You know. Like Brigitte Nielsen.
bitch -
(straight out of La Strada, but more lovingly betitted, with lips
and body fat refitted, and that subtle, glossed-over stare that says
………… nothing at all)
You know. Like Brigitte Nielsen.
Which brings us to Myspace...
...the stretched curd of shameless
self-promotion...
self-promotion...
...where the hundredth monkey emotes and flings his j-pegged feces at
any old femme-sounding avatar
any old femme-sounding avatar
Craigslist is the blue cheese of the internet. It’s like a piquant Gorgonzola with a gentle hint of venereal
infraction and oh-what-the-hell-it’s-Friday-and-I-ain’t-got-no-baby bi-curiosity. It goes well with wine (a
vintage, verbose Portmanteau would be wise), steak (crumbled and dehumanized), and any and all color-coordinated
restraining orders.
infraction and oh-what-the-hell-it’s-Friday-and-I-ain’t-got-no-baby bi-curiosity. It goes well with wine (a
vintage, verbose Portmanteau would be wise), steak (crumbled and dehumanized), and any and all color-coordinated
restraining orders.
The beauty of Craigslist is that, like with any blue cheese, the base cheese can be anyone or anything. Bored
attorney looking to have some fun while wifey’s out of town? Sad, dejected male feminist looking to nut off in
a more alpha sort of way? Starving artist looking to sell off a few quarts of blood, or maybe vaginally-themed
home furnishings? Maybe you've got some old dope that you'd like to give away? Lonely and in need of a little
zombie love?
Well, you've come to the right place. Craigslist epitomizes the you-can-too spirit of the internet, in that it takes on
all comers (literally, figuratively, and esoterically), and sets them loose in the e-wilds of transactive fulfillment.
attorney looking to have some fun while wifey’s out of town? Sad, dejected male feminist looking to nut off in
a more alpha sort of way? Starving artist looking to sell off a few quarts of blood, or maybe vaginally-themed
home furnishings? Maybe you've got some old dope that you'd like to give away? Lonely and in need of a little
zombie love?
Well, you've come to the right place. Craigslist epitomizes the you-can-too spirit of the internet, in that it takes on
all comers (literally, figuratively, and esoterically), and sets them loose in the e-wilds of transactive fulfillment.
How blue-veined your soul becomes is entirely dependent on the ph of your desperation. (And desperation is equal
to or greater than the sum total of your grammatical errors.)
And this is for the ladies: You must always remember that all men are 8�. Even those of us who begin our
measurements at the nipple area.
So if you're like me, you're ugly. But ugly people need sex too! So pay attention, and see how it's done!
to or greater than the sum total of your grammatical errors.)
And this is for the ladies: You must always remember that all men are 8�. Even those of us who begin our
measurements at the nipple area.
So if you're like me, you're ugly. But ugly people need sex too! So pay attention, and see how it's done!
| (love in the time of melancholera): sophomore, sepia-dipped drama queen, indie band spokesmodel, or gothic Realdoll? |
And somewhere, Richard Dawkins is laughing. And
nude-camming with a girl in Saskatchewan. (We hope
she's legal.)
nude-camming with a girl in Saskatchewan. (We hope
she's legal.)
Myspace, and all its ilk present, in full-color, high-resolution,
for your edutainment purposes, a perennial tire-fire of
questionably-legal, half-curdled camwhores, mp3s of shitty
bands you'd never actually want to, you know, listen to, and
of course, one of the internet's greatest and most lasting
accomplishments: the genetic spread of witheringly bad
poetry:
for your edutainment purposes, a perennial tire-fire of
questionably-legal, half-curdled camwhores, mp3s of shitty
bands you'd never actually want to, you know, listen to, and
of course, one of the internet's greatest and most lasting
accomplishments: the genetic spread of witheringly bad
poetry:
| my heart is a forest aflame my loins girded with sticky shame |
And let's not forget the slash fiction (where Wolverine
shows off the true attributes of that adamantium shell to
Cyclops) :
shows off the true attributes of that adamantium shell to
Cyclops) :
| "Logan's belt buckled, almost telekinetically, with a pronounced snikity snikt; Cyclops gasped audibly as he focused on the indestructible one-eye staring back at him" |
| Parents just don't understand. But NastyCumGobbler17 does. She speaks the MySQL of my soul! |
| Roy Batty's revenge: Do Myspacers dream of cyber-sheep? This is how future Myspacers are created. In Geiger-esque laboratories, and carried to term in Realdoll-replicants. |
| Who owns the ennui of the world's youth? |
And finally...we have... you guessed it...Craigslist!
| Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy (except for NAMBLA. Or maybe the RNC homepage). |
And, moving right along, the next stop on our slip-and-slide tour is... Wikipedia...
(drumroll and citation needed)
Wikipedia is the soft-ripened cheese of the Internet. Soft like the fontanelle on a
newborn blogger , and ass-pungent like the barely-checked facts of its older cousins in
the mainstream media. This is where all the shifty-eyed conspiracy theorists, angry
never-pundits, and, yes, the multinationalist corporations and totalitatrian regimes come
to stake their claims for encyclopedic legitimacy.
newborn blogger , and ass-pungent like the barely-checked facts of its older cousins in
the mainstream media. This is where all the shifty-eyed conspiracy theorists, angry
never-pundits, and, yes, the multinationalist corporations and totalitatrian regimes come
to stake their claims for encyclopedic legitimacy.
| I like Sailor Moon, chicks in short shorts, and the hive mind. |
| It's true! I killed JFK with a salad fork! And then I killed RFK with my jowls of doom! And then I made sweet, sweet love to the rotting corpse of Stalin for EIGHT STRAIGHT YEARS! I am a madman! Whoooooo! |
In one sense, Wikipedia is one of the battlegrounds of the next intellectual class war.
Where the elitism of academia is replaced with the bare-knuckled musings of the
proletariat. And on the other hand...welcome to the new encyclopedia dyslexia ,
encyclopedia illiterati.
Where the elitism of academia is replaced with the bare-knuckled musings of the
proletariat. And on the other hand...welcome to the new encyclopedia dyslexia ,
encyclopedia illiterati.
Our next stop takes the notion of idealism v. elitism a step further...
...of course we are talking about Facebook...
...of course we are talking about Facebook...
Facebook is the slightly preppier cousin of Myspace, a
tangy, herb-crusted goat cheese with a really short
shelf-life . It's a bit hoitier, a smidge toitier, but really,
it's the same chevre you can find at any old Piggly
Wiggly.
Pairs well with date rape, sensible oral hygiene, fresh or
dried fruit, and cutthroat ambition.
tangy, herb-crusted goat cheese with a really short
shelf-life . It's a bit hoitier, a smidge toitier, but really,
it's the same chevre you can find at any old Piggly
Wiggly.
Pairs well with date rape, sensible oral hygiene, fresh or
dried fruit, and cutthroat ambition.
And for the record, this is goat cheese. Not to be
confused with
confused with
which is also delectably cheesy in its own right.
| It's like Bret Easton Ellis and Steve Jobs had a baby and then peed on it. |
| Randy-Pan the Goat Boy collects anonymous e-friends like hooves and tails. And then we sell them to spammers, corporations, and the FBI! |
Along with the two-headed Yahoo/Google Hydra (Ya-hooo-dra!), Facebook
is a leading advocate of privacy rights, in that privacy is something to be
clicked away upon seeing that the tight little redhead in your trig class has a
page.
is a leading advocate of privacy rights, in that privacy is something to be
clicked away upon seeing that the tight little redhead in your trig class has a
page.
Let us begin with the nimbus cloud of the Internet, the shrieking,
out-of-focus calamity that is Youtube.
out-of-focus calamity that is Youtube.
| Single white Sasquatch looking for an amorous BBW who loves the outdoors and toe-sucking. |
| Where neo-nazis, porn-spam, copyright infringement, the Taliban, and animal cruelty come together in one neatly wrapped pile of white gooey stuff. |
And then there's the big kahuna. The moral issue of the day. Bittorrent.
Bittorrent is the up-and-coming pressed cheese of the Internet, the
Etorki of intellectual warfare. It's not a website. But it's as
omnipresent as all the others, and without the benefit of corporate
sponsorship.
You know the story. The indefatigable hydra, with more heads than
the vase-painters could paint or FBI agents could detain.
It’s bad. Very bad. In fact, it's horrible and shameful, and if you
do it you will be mauled by big angry bears (lawers from the MPAA
have been known to possess transmutative powers). Then you will be
taken to court and sued for all the money that you will never have.
And then you will go to jail. And in jail, you will lose all of your teeth
and most of your hair. And then, in jail, you will be shivved to death
by a member of the Triads, whose beef with you is that your
downloading was cutting into his bootleg DVD business. And you will
die, in the prison rec room, in a puddle of blood and guts and
putrescence. And then you will go straight to hell. And waiting for
you in hell will be Hitler, Heath Ledger, and Captain America, who will
beat you about the head and shoulders with flaming shovels for all of
eternity.
Because, what's really important here is this: downloading shaky, out-
of-sync cam-jobs of the latest Harry Potter craptacular is what makes
Jesus cry.
(Jesus, of course, for the purposes of this highly speculative piece, is
being played by none other than Sumner Redstone.)
Etorki of intellectual warfare. It's not a website. But it's as
omnipresent as all the others, and without the benefit of corporate
sponsorship.
You know the story. The indefatigable hydra, with more heads than
the vase-painters could paint or FBI agents could detain.
It’s bad. Very bad. In fact, it's horrible and shameful, and if you
do it you will be mauled by big angry bears (lawers from the MPAA
have been known to possess transmutative powers). Then you will be
taken to court and sued for all the money that you will never have.
And then you will go to jail. And in jail, you will lose all of your teeth
and most of your hair. And then, in jail, you will be shivved to death
by a member of the Triads, whose beef with you is that your
downloading was cutting into his bootleg DVD business. And you will
die, in the prison rec room, in a puddle of blood and guts and
putrescence. And then you will go straight to hell. And waiting for
you in hell will be Hitler, Heath Ledger, and Captain America, who will
beat you about the head and shoulders with flaming shovels for all of
eternity.
Because, what's really important here is this: downloading shaky, out-
of-sync cam-jobs of the latest Harry Potter craptacular is what makes
Jesus cry.
(Jesus, of course, for the purposes of this highly speculative piece, is
being played by none other than Sumner Redstone.)
| Thou shalt not worship at my downloaded image! Nor that of Willem Dafoe, Jim Caviziel, Jeffrey Hunter, or George Lucas! So shall it be texted, so shall it be done! |
| Pragmatically speaking, who really wants to go to jail over Miss Congeniality? |
| It's the circle of life! |
| He knows of your betrayal. |
| So does he. And he's got plans for you. |
| We hear that one of the video game design teams is making a game out of it. It's to be called Intellectual Property Hill: a first-person shooter and a high-stakes legal thriller rolled into one messy, consequences-free package! With zombies! We hope Milla will star in the movie version, so we can (not) download that, too. |
Why can't women estimate penis lengths
correctly?
Because they keep being told that 4 inches is 8!
correctly?
Because they keep being told that 4 inches is 8!
The Ministry would like to take a
moment to remind you to PLEASE
REFRAIN FRM THROWING
DARTS AT THE LADYFOLK.
We have completed extensive
market research on this matter, and
we have found OVERWHELMING
evidence to back up the long-
ignored fact that WOMEN DONâ
€™T LIKE IT WHEN YOU
THROW SHARP THINGS AT
THEM. It is uncivil, undignified,
and will probably land you in jail.
You will be branded a LADY-
HATER, and be ostracized by your
friends, neighbors, and eligible
HMO. Furthermore, your dating
pool will probably suffer a severe
shrinkage. So just don’t do it.
Thank you, and please enjoy the
show!
moment to remind you to PLEASE
REFRAIN FRM THROWING
DARTS AT THE LADYFOLK.
We have completed extensive
market research on this matter, and
we have found OVERWHELMING
evidence to back up the long-
ignored fact that WOMEN DONâ
€™T LIKE IT WHEN YOU
THROW SHARP THINGS AT
THEM. It is uncivil, undignified,
and will probably land you in jail.
You will be branded a LADY-
HATER, and be ostracized by your
friends, neighbors, and eligible
HMO. Furthermore, your dating
pool will probably suffer a severe
shrinkage. So just don’t do it.
Thank you, and please enjoy the
show!
We’ve given some more thought to our
statement above about throwing sharp things at
the ladyfolk. And, in that time between then and
now, we’ve received a brief list of things that
women do enjoy having thrown about their
general direction:
- double-ply toilet paper
- Jane Austen quotes (but not JANE AUSTEN
BOOKS)
- proverbs! (if she’s an English major, go the
grammatical route. If she’s a nice girl, quote
from Leviticus. Chicks LOVE Leviticus.)
- board games (“I suggest a new strategy,
Artoo. Let the Wookiee win.�)
- the look of love
- peshiwari nan (it’s spongy and tasty; who
can resist?)
statement above about throwing sharp things at
the ladyfolk. And, in that time between then and
now, we’ve received a brief list of things that
women do enjoy having thrown about their
general direction:
- double-ply toilet paper
- Jane Austen quotes (but not JANE AUSTEN
BOOKS)
- proverbs! (if she’s an English major, go the
grammatical route. If she’s a nice girl, quote
from Leviticus. Chicks LOVE Leviticus.)
- board games (“I suggest a new strategy,
Artoo. Let the Wookiee win.�)
- the look of love
- peshiwari nan (it’s spongy and tasty; who
can resist?)
